


heartache pales in comparison to love

by evandiazbuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, I hope, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Romantic Fluff, its just so soft you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:53:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evandiazbuckley/pseuds/evandiazbuckley
Summary: Buck 1.0 hated weddings because the love felt too forced and too fake. Buck 2.0 hates the way the love feels too strong, but also too unreachable, something he was longing for. Someone he was longing for.OrIt’s Maddie and Chim’s wedding day but Buck can’t stop thinking about Eddie.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 441





	heartache pales in comparison to love

**Author's Note:**

> title from Trees by the Oh Hellos

Buck has never enjoyed weddings, they made him feel awkward and they always felt a little fake and a little forced. Maybe it had something to do with wearing a scratchy hire suit and being forced to dance with his taller and meaner cousin, Mandy, at his Aunt’s wedding when he was thirteen. Or maybe it was that every wedding since was spent making the most of the open tab and scanning the room for a lonely looking bridesmaid who wanted a quick dance and a quicker moment in the bathroom stalls. 

Buck 1.0 saw weddings as a means to an end, the happy couple got to enjoy their love while it lasted and the guests got to get plastered and a little less lonely for one night. 

But tonight is different, he looks at the way Maddie has her head resting on Chim’s shoulder as they gently sway beneath the soft lighting of the dance floor and he feels warm. Hen and Karen are spinning around behind them, with Denny grasping their hands tightly, matching joy on all their faces. Bobby and Athena are sitting to the side, soft smiles on both their faces as they watch the other couples on the dance floor. 

The wedding isn’t short of lonely people, Buck spots one of Maddie’s workmates leaning heavily on one of Chim’s cousins as they sneak out the back door giggling loudly. To his right the very same couisn Mandy is flirting shamelessly with the bartender as she orders her drink. 

Nevertheless, something about tonight is different, and Buck feels as though the collective love for Maddie and Chim has filled every corner of the room. There’s a sense of family between the 118 that seems to infect everyone around them, and Buck feels at home for the first time in a long time. 

But in true Buckley fashion nothing good can last. Buck feels a hollow, unending ache in his chest, a loneliness he can’t seem to dislodge despite being surrounded by all his favourite people. Buck 1.0 hated weddings because the love felt too forced and too fake. Buck 2.0 hates the way the love feels too strong, but also too unreachable, something he was longing for. _Someone_ he was longing for. 

And as though his musings brought forth the man himself, Eddie appeared on the peripheries of the dance floor, his jacket discarded and tie loosened as he held onto Christopher’s hands and swayed to the music. Buck’s heart rate doubled at the sight, and the ache burned through his body, right to his toes. He watched as Chris stood carefully on Eddie’s feet, and they both grinned as Eddie moved them to the beat of the music, a little clumsy and a lot adorable. 

Buck felt as thought the weight of liking Eddie, of pining for Eddie, had trapped the breath in his lungs. What use was breathing when it wasn’t Eddie’s exhaled air he was inhaling? His eyes scanned the room again. What use was dancing when it wasn’t with Eddie and Chris? There was nothing more he wanted then to be up there on the dance floor, Eddie’s hand on his waist and Chris sandwiched between them, all smiles. 

As though Buck’s longing was a neon sign screaming _I’m hopelessly in love with my best friend_ , he felt Maddie’s gaze suddenly flick to him. She was still swaying in Chim’s arms, but her soft smiles had been replaced with a furrowed brow. She shot him a look that could only be deciphered as _are you okay?_ And as though he hadn’t been practicing at being okay for weeks, he shot her back a signature Buck grin and a wink in Chim’s direction for good measure. Although not completely convinced, she rolled her eyes and her focus shifted back to her husband as the music picked up again.

Fully prepared to continue his longing from afar, Buck turned back to where Eddie and Chris were last dancing, but instead they had migrated to Bobby and Athena’s table where Chris was now attempting to eat a large piece of cake while Athena looked over him. Eddie and Bobby looked deep in conversation, heads bent together and brows furrowed. Buck knew he’d been caught when they both suddenly looked in his direction. Eddie’s eyes were filled with concern, and another look Buck couldn’t decipher, and that stung. Buck knew Eddie, he knew looks of amusement from genuine frustration, he recognised the soft look reserved just for Chris, and the spark of anger that was becoming rarer in the past weeks. 

But this look was something unfamiliar, something that felt almost soft, as though no one was ever meant to see it. Eddie pulled his eyes away, and clapped Bobby on the shoulder, saying something that made the older man chuckle. Unable to look away from Eddie, Buck watched as he made a beeline right towards Buck. 

However, instead of flopping into the chair next to Buck, shoulders and knees colliding like they do often do, Eddie stood directly in front of Buck with that same soft look on his face, accompanied by an amused quirk of his brow.

“Well, are you gonna sit there all night looking like someone kicked your puppy or are you going to impress me with those infamous dance moves you’ve been bragging about for weeks?” Eddie asks with a chuckle, but an underlying note of concern.

“I’m not sure you could handle my dance moves,” Buck said, slipping into familiar banter with Eddie as though all was well.

Eddie continued to look at Buck as though he couldn’t quite work something out, but extended his hand forward and with a roll of his eyes added “try me, Buckley.” 

Despite having spent half an hour pining for nothing more than to have his hand in Eddie’s while they danced, Buck hesitated. The pain of wanting, of needing, Eddie was enough to make Buck’s breath catch, but the thought of having being held by Eddie as nothing more that a friend, and then let go again as though it meant nothing filled Buck with dread. 

As though he knew what Buck was thinking, Eddie grabbed Buck’s hand, and pulled him right out to the centre of the dance floor, undeterred by Buck’s hesitancy or the numerous couples in his way. 

Releasing his hand, Eddie gentle placed his hands on Buck’s waist, and Buck felt as though he was being branded, two marks seared into his side forever. With his hands left hovering awkwardly, Buck was forced to place them on Eddie’s shoulders. It was only then that Buck realised how close they were, the crisp feeling of Eddie’s shirt underneath his hands and the warmth radiating off them both was both grounding and all consuming.

Eddie has a fond look in his eyes, and he gently pulls Buck closer. It’s as though the rest of the room fades away, Buck swears Eddie can hear the erratic beat of his heart. Eddie continues to stare at Buck, “What’s going on with you tonight?” he asks, “you looked like today was the best day ever until about half an hour ago.”

For a moment Buck considers lying, an excuse about being exhausted from organising people all day, or a comment about a cramp in his leg, but Eddie continues stare right through him, analysing every inch of his face. Lying will be useless. No one knows him like Eddie, and he has a feeling Eddie knows exactly what’s plaguing him and is only asking as a courtesy. 

Buck pulls his eyes away from Eddie’s and looks down, the guilt of even thinking about his own heartbreak on Maddie’s day constricting the air in his chest. 

“She deserves this,” Buck feels the gnawing guilt pushing at his lungs again. “She deserves this and more, but I’m just so fucking lonely.” 

“Buck.”

Buck continues to stare at his and Eddie’s shoes, brown and black. Buck’s are a little scuffed and Eddie’s are immaculately polished, a product of his time in the Army. One a little messy, the other put together, just like Buck and Eddie.

“Buck, please look at me.” Eddie’s hands tighten around Buck waist, and Buck knows he could never deny Eddie anything, so he looks up. 

Eddie’s eyes are still unbearably fond with a glint of amusement, and Buck feels a spike of anger at how Eddie is staying so calm. However, his anger is almost immediately calmed when Eddie brings one hand up and places it on his cheek. 

“Its okay to see your sister happy and still want more for yourself, and it’s okay to be lonely.” 

Eddie pauses, as though he considering his next words carefully, “Its okay to be lonely, but you’re not alone. It’s okay to want _this_ , Buck.”

The weight of the word _this_ hangs in the air between them, and Buck knows they’ve reached a point they can no longer turn back from.

“I don’t just want this, Eddie. I want _you_ , but I can’t lose you if you don’t feel the same.”

Buck is sure there isn’t any more space between them, but Eddie pulls him even closer and rests their foreheads together. Buck grips Eddie’s shirt tightly, and it feels like an age before Eddie finally responds, “I want you, Evan Buckley.” 

Buck feels Eddie’s breath on his lips as he says the words, and the tightness that had been building in his chests begins to loosen. 

Eddie moves slowly and deliberately, as though he wants Buck to know that what happens next was intentional, leaving no room for misinterpretation. His hand moves from Buck’s cheek to the back of his neck, and his eyes flutter close as their lips touch.

And Buck feels everything around them slow, the music around them has been drowned out and there’s a roaring in his ears. Kissing Eddie isn’t fireworks and electricity, it’s an all consuming tidal wave of peace followed by a searing heat pooling in the bottom of his stomach. Somehow it doesn’t feel new, it feels like contentment and coming home. It feels like love. 

Eddie’s hand is now pulling gently at the hairs at the base of his neck, and Buck’s hands have slipped to the front of Eddie’s chest, where he can feel the rapid beat of his heart as he grips the shirt’s fabric. 

They break apart suddenly when he hears a whistle followed by mingled cheers and laughter from the 118. Buck is brought back down to earth, and the reality of what just happens hits him. 

He kissed Eddie. He kissed Eddie in front of everyone. He kissed Eddie in front of everyone on the day that was supposed to be all about Maddie and Chim.

Buck steps back from Eddie, and spins to find Maddie in the crowd. She is still standing on the dance floor, hands gripping Chimney’s so hard he’s sure it’ll bruise. But Chim doesn’t even seem to notice, both of them are standing, staring at Buck, with identical grins. 

There’s no annoyance or frustration on either of their faces, Maddie has unshed tears and looks as though she isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry and Chimney looks as though he’s has about four jokes lined up and isn’t sure which to say. Maddie mouths “finally” at him and winks, before dragging Chimney over towards the table where the rest of the 118 had congregated. Buck scans their faces, but instead of shock or confusion they’re all looking amused, he even swears he sees Athena slide Hen a ten dollar bill.

Before Buck can even process that or say anything, he hears the unmistakable clack of Christopher’s crutches followed by a shout.

“Dad! Buck!”

Buck turns back around, and Eddie is still standing there, fond look replaced with a dazed expression. Chris reaches Eddie first, and drags him by the hand towards Buck. “Hey Dad, can Buck come for a sleepover tonight?” He asks as he also grabs Buck’s hand and looks up at them expectantly. 

Buck knows they have a lot to discuss, and one kiss doesn’t eliminate the countless doubts and insecurities gnawing at his chest, but when Eddie turns to Chris and says “Buck is definitely coming over tonight, Buddy,” Buck feels a fresh tendril of hope curl into the empty place in his chest. 

As though they’d plucked the daydream right out of his head, Eddie and Chris both pull Buck towards them and begin to sway to the upbeat song that’s just started to play. Eddie’s hand is warm and solid on his waist, and Christopher’s giggles are infectious. Buck feels laughter rise in his throat, and he lets a chuckle loose as he scoops Chris up and uses his other hand wrap around Eddie’s shoulder. 

The three of them remain huddled on the dance floor, swaying and spinning excitedly and extremely off-beat for the rest of the night. There’s a long way for them to go, and a lot of hard conversations to be had. But weddings are for fresh starts, and Buck thinks that maybe that’s what he and Eddie need. 

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic in years!!! and my first buddie fic! send me love and prompts on tumblr @evandiaz-buckley


End file.
